


Remember Forever

by gamja_gom



Category: K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Gen, OT5, Pre-debut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:00:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22196680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamja_gom/pseuds/gamja_gom
Summary: She’s not surprised to find out she’s the youngest female trainee in the company, only to now be turning twelve in a month and a half. She glances to her left, the other recently accepted trainees stand in line, tall and stiff, spanning the length of the room. Yerim adjusts her headband snugly, hands quickly back to her sides when the line finally begins to move.ORYeri-centric predebut to debut story
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Remember Forever

The problems printed in Yerim’s book looked like they had swallowed her English workbook whole, hair brushed back with force, pencil tip grazing along long smooth strands of black, English book still locked away in her bag as she flips to the cover of the one already in her hands, making sure she was still in her right mind. Her eyes wandering back to the faded scribble on the edge of her desk up against the white of her wall or to the thin pink bow shaped hands of her younger sister’s Hello-Kitty clock that tick’d along with each pencil tap between each problem.

Was math always supposed to be this confusing? The tip of her pencil dulled flat by the time she settles for an answer to question three. The clock read 5:17pm.

Yerim could see out the window, only out across the apartment complex to the next building, a mirror image to hers. No doubt in her mind her mother would walk in with Yurim any second, catch her contemplate on taking a nap and give her a light scolding before asking them to help with dinner.

Her cheek leisurely rests against the bare cool surface of her desk, orange sky outside giving her mind a warm embrace for only a moment before rushing outside at the sound of several sequential beeps, greeting her mother and relieving her of the thin overflowing bags, leading Yurim into the kitchen with short but precise steps.

For once, Yerim ends up eating her ice cream in its normal state, too much homework left to waste time on making a milkshake like she would much rather prefer after dinner, scraping the surface with a spoon far too large for dessert, more catered for soups and jigaes. Maybe she should ask her mother if they could have some kimchi jigae tomorrow night-

“Yerim-ah, they said you passed.”

Yerim only catches the last word. “Passed what?”

Her father repeats, “They called me and said you passed the audition.” Her parents look at her with loving smiles.

Yerim remembers the ice cream being the sweetest she’s ever tasted that night.

+

She’s not surprised to find out she’s the youngest female trainee in the company, only to now be turning twelve in a month and a half. She glances to her left, the other recently accepted trainees stand in line, tall and stiff, spanning the length of the room. Yerim adjusts her headband snugly, hands quickly back to her sides when the line finally begins to move.

Her throat feels rough, itchy almost. The words, ‘ _Hello, please take care of us_ ’ repeated one last time before they’re walking past the practice rooms she’s only seen through a screen. Being the end of the line she slows her pace, taking time to peek through any open room, leaning to the side, standing on the tips of her toes, wanting to catch a glimpse of that infamous sky backdrop. She gives up swiftly, the gap between her and the group only growing, making quiet leaps to catch up with the others. The most important part of the day yet to begin.

The paper cup in her hands feels like it matches the weight of a watermelon. She takes a sip, nervous eyes searching for focus, leg shaking, body instinctively attempting to calm her.

“It’ll be okay.”

Yerim flinches in surprise, quickly focusing her attention to the girl in a mustard school uniform. She smiles. Yerim can’t help but return a shy smile of her own.

“How do you know?”

“It’s routine, they update our profiles every half a year or so, or wait-” the girl pauses, “Sometimes we do it when a large batch of new trainees enter too.” She smiles at Yerim again, proud of spreading such experienced knowledge.

Yerim simply musters up a short, “Oh.”

“My name is Seulgi. What’s your name?”

“My name’s Yerim.”

“It’s nice to meet you Yerim.”

Her mouth opens in an attempt to continue before Seulgi interrupts.

“Unnie!” It’s no louder than their previous exchange but Yerim’s eyes trace back to the girl on the receiving end seeming to be taken aback at such a noise.

Yerim can’t help but be a little scared and shocked, the girl’s aura, gaze, and demeanor overwhelming to her small growing body.

Seulgi turns back to Yerim. “Sorry Yerim, I’ll catch up with you later, okay?” Her eyes bright, eagerly waiting for a response, permission.

“Oh, y-yeah. Bye.”

With a wave of a hand, Seulgi walks to the door, making her way back out of the room with the older girl by her side and somehow Yerim isn’t hurt or insulted at Seulgi’s abrupt leave, she seems to understand what kind of person Seulgi is through her words, her actions. Yerim kicks her feet playfully against the hardwood, legs dangling, ends of her shoes barely grazing the ground, hiding a smile to herself with a tilt of her head and waves of hair falling forward. Smiling about what, she wasn’t too sure of, but something good she bets.

Yerim’s phone fits tight in her hand, lighting up only to be turned off again. On, off. On, off. Backpack hanging lopsided, strewn across one shoulder as she climbs up the worn set of stairs back to the main floor. Stopping to properly wear her bag and adjust her clothes once she reaches the large posters on display in the lobby. She looks for her favorites first, she always does, BoA, Girls’ Generation, f(x), and there, SHINee. They were, _are_ , still her inspiration. She could make it as an idol, right? After all, she _was_ in SM Entertainment, the same place where these pivotal artists and groups were born, right? They were in her shoes before all the fame and love, who’s to say she won’t be like them one day?

Eyes closed, hands clasped, she makes a promise with herself in that moment. Eyebrows furrowed with determination, she takes one last look up at the wall before speeding out, hands wrapping around her father’s side, walking home with renewed spirit and hope.

+

“Unnie, wait for me!”

“Yerim-ah, hurry up, if you don’t make it in five seconds I'm closing the door and eating without you.” Foot tapping at twice the rate. “Five, four, three, two-”

“I’m here, I’m here!”

Shoes squeak to a stop, still managing to make Joohyun recoil in surprise.

“Kim Yerim!” Joohyun raises her voice, no hint of actual anger or annoyance, just playfulness.

Yerim gently places her hands on each sides of Joohyun’s shoulders, urging her out the door.

“Let’s go, I’m hungry. You promised to buy me dinner.”

“And I regret it already.” Joohyun quips back.

“What about Seulgi unnie?”

“She’s-”

“Here!” Seulgi cheers, seemingly appearing from nowhere.

Yerim knows Joohyun is startled at least a little by the way her steps pause mid-step, resuming like she had just skipped instead of walked. Yerim giggles and points a finger forward.

“To dinner we go!” 

Seulgi joins Yerim in their makeshift line, following behind. “To free dinner!” Pushing Yerim who is pushing Joohyun.

“Yah!” Joohyun can’t help but let out a laugh, making no effort to stop them.

Yerim’s smile only widens as Joohyun finds a new way to play along with her antics, Seulgi following suit, always with a cheerful tune. She doesn’t think about months of sore muscles, the upcoming evaluation, or the ever omnipresent stress of debut; she feels the warmth of Seulgi’s smile without having to look back, the brightness of Joohyun’s laugh ringing in her ears. She soaks up every detail about them that she can. Seulgi’s painted nails, Joohyun’s purple hair tie, the ruffling of her already messy hair, how Joohyun gets the last laugh.

+

The rustling of papers, skids of desks and chairs being knocked around not nearly loud enough for her to spare the energy to open her eyes.

A gentle nudge stirs her from a light slumber. “Yerim, wake up, lunch is almost over and you haven’t eaten yet.”

Heavy eyelids cause her to squint, vision failing to adjust in quick time. She brings a hand to her mouth, not doing much to cover a very noticeable yawn. She wonders if Seulgi is getting caught napping at school too at this very moment. She always told Yerim not to doze off during class like her, though technically, it _was_ break time now.

Yerim takes the bread from her friend’s hand. “Thanks. I haven’t been sleeping as much as usual lately.”

“Is it because of our exams next week? Don’t worry too much, you always do well and besides,” Her friend speaks with a mouth full of her own red bean filled bread, “Summer break is so close!”

“Yeah, time flies. We’ll be junior high students soon.” Yerim unwraps the plastic from her own pastry and takes a bite.

“We better hang out all the time during break, okay?”

“Yeah.” Yerim glances at the clock along the back wall before making a promise she’s not sure she can keep. “We will.”

Chaos around her settles down, students roam back to their seats, speakers playing the repetitive tune signaling for everything, everyone, to stop fooling around. Yerim only really able to focus her attention on her dance routine, feet quietly moving with steps of their own beneath her desk. Four more periods until her monthly evaluation.

Her friends wave her goodbye at the front gate, disappointed she wouldn’t be able to join for window shopping and karaoke, it was a Friday after all, the perfect day to relax and unwind before procrastinating over the weekend. At least her friends would still be able to have a good time without her. Yerim likes, ( _like? She doesn’t like_ _)_ to think she’s gotten better at lying over the last few months, watching as they disappear down the hill and round the corner before turning in the opposite direction.

Giggles break Yerim’s train of thought while waiting for the crosswalk to change signs. She eyes the group of girls, seemingly around her age, laughing, pointing at their phones, taking pictures together beside her. She looks away, across the street, students crowd around a food stall. They’re having fun she imagines. Enjoying life. Yerim crosses the street with her head down before anything else can throw her off. Distractions. She can’t have distractions.

+

“These four will be training together starting today. Yerim, Koeun, Herin, and Hina. That’s all for now.”

All the kids bow as the staff member leaves with a dismissive flick of a hand. Some give Yerim a kind remark at the news as they walk past, resuming their own training regimes, some don’t say anything but give a gesture in good faith (she assumes). Yerim lets out a tight breath, this was a sign of good news. It _was_ good news.

“Isn’t this great? They’ve been putting a lot of us into training groups lately. Do you think they’re planning something for everyone?”

Yerim feels an arm link with hers, her and Koeun share a look at her question.

“I’m not sure but being put into these test groups? It can only be good, right? And we’re already friends so that’s a plus.” Yerim says, turning to the rest of the girls. Herin and Hina add their own opinions almost simultaneously.

“Yeah, you have a point.”

“Mhm.”

Yerim wants to fill the short silence with something a more energetic version of herself would say but can’t think of any words that would bring more life to the conversation, so she chooses to wait. Koeun seems to notice and speaks her mind.

“I think this is great, it’ll help motivate us to work and practice harder!”

Herin and Hina react in tune. “Yeah!”

Koeun looks at her, “Right Yerim?”

Yerim can only nod. She’s the oldest in their group, she should be able to lead them better than this, they have to survive (she has to to survive). She looks at Koeun, how she smiles bright, how she effortlessly gets everyone together, how she reads the room, how far along- better, she is than Yerim in almost every way. Yerim doesn’t hate her, she could never hate Koeun. She feels happy but guilty. Yerim observes all their expressions as she places her hand atop the others, completing the tower. They raise their hands up high, she cheers with an extra wide smile, making sure they don’t get the chance to see through her mask. Yerim wants to grow, wants to refine her skills, she needs to become the irreplaceable member that they expect her to be.

+

The front of her collar sticks close to her skin, suffocating, the end of her shirt constantly pulled down even though she’s sitting, nothing feels comfortable. She feels out of place in her own uniform, her own school. Nothing except the hand held by her mother feels right. Her mother gives her shaky hand a light squeeze, the principal of the school finally taking a seat across from them. He sorts through Yerim’s personal record, papers upon papers, grades, teacher evaluations, attendance records, a different type of profile than what she’s become used to. She’s never gotten into trouble but still finds herself clenching her free hand in her lap until its stiff white.

“Are you sure about your decision Kim Yerim?” The principal speaks, eyes still on the papers in front of him.

“Yes,” looking at her mother for extra reassurance before turning back to the man in front. “This is what I think will be the best option for me.”

“It will be tough but,” He adjusts his glasses, shuffling the papers back in order. “If it’s really what you want, and since you have parental permission, we will allow you to drop out of school.” He finally looks at Yerim over the rim of his frames. “Although you will have to take the junior high qualification exam sometime in April in a few years.”

Yerim holds back the sudden tears pooling in her eyes. She gets out a simple, “Thank you.” before her throat wants to close up. Her mother and her bow before leaving the room, the walk back to the car silent, her mother rubbing circles on her back, knowing and understanding.

She loses composure as soon as her bedroom door closes with a click. Not even making it to her bed, crouching, collapsing onto the hard floor. Her breathing uncontrollable, streams of tears running down the side of her cheeks, nose surely turning bright red to match how her eyes look right now. She sobs as silently as she can, pulling the sleeves of her shirt up to use as makeshift tissues and thanking god that Yurim is spending the night at a friends house for the weekend. She doesn’t know how she would’ve handled her breakdown if Yurim was here in their room, nor does she dare to imagine how her parents are feeling right now.

Their eldest daughter giving up school to focus on a childish dream she's had since she could walk and talk? It hurts, a part of her that already regrets it. What was she thinking, what was she _doing_ without a guarantee of debut? In an industry so saturated and a company so large, there were always going to be plenty of other kids, much more talented, younger kids to replace her. And what would she give up in return for a microscopic chance at standing on stage and succeeding? Her childhood? Friends? A normal life?

Yerim shakes her head as to clear away her thoughts. She never wanted a normal life, she wanted to sing, dance, to smile on stage and say, ‘ _this is my song and this is what I can do_ ’. She wanted to be _someone_. There was no turning back, she needed to get her act together. She chose this for herself and she needed to get through it herself. Yerim’s breathing steadies, her sleeve now cold with tears. She grabs a fresh pair of clothes, wipes the last traces of moisture off her face with the palm of her hand and steps out into the hallway towards the bathroom. She turns on the shower, steam rising, ready and wanting to wash away any doubt left in her mind.

+

There would always be highs and lows with life as an idol trainee, Yerim expected this but never truly was prepared for how bad they could get. Were hers going to become worse because she had moved into the dorms with everyone else? Moving was the most logical answer for her situation she figured. Her house was far, travel fees add up, and she had quit school.

Was it not logical to move into the dorms to dedicate everything to practice? She stares at herself in the mirror, wrapping her scarf around her neck, getting ready to walk to the practice building and start training for the day. She knew her choice would benefit her in the long run, more time to train would eventually lead her to more opportunities to improve and debut. What would she even do if she quit now? She was already behind on her education and had already spent too much time investing into this ridiculous dream of hers (did she ever have any other dream to begin with?)

Except not everything was that simple, life full of exceptions, never nearly as cut and dry as she had wanted, and so Yerim can’t stop herself when her mind begins to wander onto thoughts of Seulgi.

Seulgi still Seulgi in name, but now was someone she almost doesn’t recognize anymore. A shell of who she once was, voice broken, body heavy, mind cloudy. Yerim doesn’t want to imagine how down the older girl feels, how far her pain and suffering extends, she’d never seen a slump so bad before, but then again, does the pain ever go away in their line of work? Does Seulgi regret spending years pushing her body and mental strength to its limits only to be repaid by becoming incapable? Spiraling towards hopelessness?

Sure, maybe in the state Seulgi’s in now she does, Yerim reasons, at what point would her lows cease to fall lower? She briskly slides across the hallway, hand readied to knock on the closed door to Seulgi’s heart, checking in for both Seulgi’s sake and her own.

“Seulgi unnie,” she says with a knock. “It’s me Yerim. I’m coming in.”

She’s thankful to at least see empty water bottles atop her night stand before eyeing the small lump covered in blankets. She sees the comforter rustle at the sound of the door being opened, she was still alive.

“Is there anything you want to eat? I’m going to head to my lessons then come back early tonight I think.” She speaks to the girl’s backside, picking up the empty bottles to recycle on her way out. Organizing what she can, Seulgi’s folded laundry, her prescription medicine, the other remaining water bottles yet to have been opened. She hears the comforter move again, craning her neck only to spot a hand venturing out in the open to shoo her away, politely declining her offer, voice still in no condition to be used.

“Okay.” Is all she says before making her way out of the room, shutting the door with care, slowly, silently. She sighs in relief when back in the hallway by herself.

“How is she doing?”

Or so she thought.

“Oh- Joohyun unnie…” Yerim still clutching the empty bottles in her hands. “She’s drinking water at least.” It’s one of the only positive things she can think of on the spot.

“I see.” Joohyun’s eyes linger on the door, then on the empty bottles before focusing back on Yerim. “Are you going to the practice room now?”

“Yeah, I was just checking in on Seulgi unnie before I left.”

A beat.

“Thank you.”

Joohyun’s reply is unexpected but fitting.

“I… I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”

Joohyun rubs a hand over her arm. “I know you do. She’ll get through this, and we’ll be there along the way for her.” Joohyun smiles and boops the tip of Yerim’s nose. “I’ll be here all day so don’t worry and do your best today.”

Yerim’s lips curl upwards. If anyone was going to be the catalyst in getting Seulgi back on her feet it would be Joohyun. They were close, the oldest female trainees, and highest in seniority among everyone left. She knew Joohyun didn’t have to stay back today, she chose to. Yerim is lucky to have them in her life.

“Now go on, you don’t want to be late.”

Yeri nods. “I’ll see you tonight unnie.”

Joohyun pats her butt as she walks towards the kitchen, Yerim comfortable enough now to know how Joohyun expresses her affection. Yerim finds a bag and places the empty bottles in it. She leaves the dorm with her heel slipping snug into her sneakers and a spring to her step.

+

“Aren’t you excited?”

“A little bit, I guess.” Yerim doesn’t understand how Koeun can still get this hyper whenever they’re rumored to get new trainees.

“Oh come on! I heard they’re really talented. They were accepted through the global audition.” Koeun links arms again before tugging her down the hall. “Who knows, maybe there will be someone who puts SM’s new group plans into overdrive this time.”

Yerim fixes her hair with her one free hand, still being dragged by Koeun to one of the larger practice rooms. Today was profile update day, she wanted to look presentable.

Koeun is first to spot Lami, Herin, and Hina already waiting for them by the refreshment corner, also being the first to separate their arms. Yerim follows shortly after, running fingers through her hair, attempting to get them in place. Maybe she should ask if her mom could fix her bangs later this week. (She was the best and only hairdresser she knew).

Their little group had grown, but was one thing she could consider good in her life. The rest living in the dorm a floor below hers, having lost a game of chance in picking someone to be the odd one out, but she isn’t upset with the outcome. Joohyun, Seulgi, and Seungyeon are nice, she relishes in experiencing being the youngest for once, a newer side of her.

Yerim listens to the ongoing conversation while looking around the room. She sees Mark and Haechan getting their pictures updated now, Seulgi and Irene waiting next to each other in their seats for their turn. She turns in time to see a staff member leading two new girls into the room. Seems like only yesterday she was in their shoes.

“I think that’s them.” Herin whispers to the others.

“Let’s get in line.” Yerim firmly suggests.

Yerim is last to finish again. Koeun, Hina, Herin, and even Lami finishing in record time, leaving her behind to get a head start on practice. She passes time by watching Joohyun do her magic for the camera.

“Would you like a drink?”

Yerim really thinks whoever was asked should answer soon or else it would be considered rude, and oh- _she’s_ the person being spoken to.

“O-oh, me?” She points at herself.

The girl nods. “Yes.”

“Thank you.” Yeri finds herself lowering her head out of respect and taking the paper cup out of the girl’s hands. She sips the water, feels how it travels throughout her body, feeling better than before.

“I’m Wendy. You can also call me Seungwan, I’m from Canada. What about you?”

“I’m Yerim, from Seoul."

Yerim feels like this is deja vu.

“That’s awesome.”

She doesn’t know what Wendy- Seungwan finds so amazing, she traveled halfway across the world to be here unlike her. She repeats a list of words in her mind to help remember facts about Wendy that she knows so far. _Canada. Kind._

She hears Wendy speak before realizing again to whom. “H-hello, I’m Wendy but you can call me Seungwan too. It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Seulgi! It’s nice to meet you too Seungwan!”

_Canada. Kind. Polite._

“Yerim-ah it’s your turn now.” Seulgi points to the vacant spot near the back, photographer ready for her now.

She gets up out of her chair, “Thank you again for the water.” holding up the cup.

Wendy bows deeper this time. “You’re welcome.”

Yerim wonders where the other new girl has gone as she sets the paper cup down on the table. She stretches her body before stepping in front of the camera for the nth time this month, used to it now. Out of the corner of her eye she sees Joohyun meet up with Seulgi and Wendy, a natural smile slips as her picture is taken. She hopes Wendy isn’t too imitated by Joohyun.

Yerim’s greeted like she’s just won the lottery as soon as she steps inside, even before the door is completely shut and her shoes are off.

“Hello Yerim!”

“W-wendy…” She hesitates, a little confused, “unnie?” Wendy is older than her, _probably_. She did seem to get along with Seulgi earlier today Yerim recalls.

“Yes!”

Yerim steps further into their dorm, feeling unusually comfortable with the new presence, soon connecting the dots as to what Joohyun was going to tell her about but forgot to. “Are you all moved in? Where are all your things?” She looks around, none of Seungyeon’s belongings here anymore, she doesn’t notice anything new.

“I didn’t have much besides clothes and other essentials. Everything is in my room.”

“Did you meet Joohyun unnie yet? I know you met Seulgi unnie earlier.” Asking simply to confirm her thoughts.

“Yes, I did. She’s very…” Wendy’s words fade closer into silence.

“Scary, pretty, intimidating, weird?”

“Yes!” She enthusiastically agrees before her expression morphs into one of shock. “Wait- no, not weird! Not weird!”

Yerim cackles at the speedy denial and adorable spastic hand motions. Teasing came easy to her, conversation flowed effortlessly with Wendy. No thinking too much about what to say, no worrying over what Wendy expects from her. A fresh start.

_Canada. Kind. Polite. Easy to talk to._

She’s still laughing, arm finding support from the sofa when Wendy asks her a question.

“Did you eat dinner yet?”

“No, did you?”

Wendy shakes her head. “I wasn’t sure if I could use whatever is in the fridge but I figured I could wait for one of you guys to get back.”

 _Canada. Kind. Too_ _polite. Easy to talk to._

“How about we eat out tonight? I can call Joohyun and Seulgi unnie to meet us somewhere? I’m sure they’re still in the practice room.”

Wendy’s eyes light up.

Yerim feels like the older sibling while watching Wendy get ready to head out, grabbing her winter coat, looking around for her misplaced gloves and socks, where in the heck were her socks? Yerim doesn’t mind waiting for the girl to tear up her belongings.

Wendy is from Canada, kind, too polite, and easy to talk to.

Wendy is different.

+

Yerim greets the security guard, an always friendly face who knows her well enough to buzz her in without a word. She chooses the room at the end of the hallway to practice, or sleep, whichever comes to her first. The desktop wakes up with a buzz. Yerim stifles a yawn, angry that her body feels tired but refuses to follow through.

She lowers the speakers to the bare minimum browsing through recommended videos online. Her head nods along to the music, standing up, already mirroring what she can, envisioning their spacing, transitions, member parts, the difficulty. She adds the video to her list, definitely a potential routine that would work for their next evaluation. Lami and Herin would fit the concept well.

She loses track of time when one music video leads to another, and another. She loves Girls’ Generation so much.

“Am I interrupting?”

“Ah! No, no, I’m-” she clears her throat, “I’m not doing anything… much.”

Yeri feels like she’s just had a heart attack by how off guard she feels, (mentally apologizing to Joohyun for reducing her lifespan by years with every scare).

“I can leave if you would like.”

“No it’s okay, I was just using the computer. Looking for song choices and stuff.” A curled smile.

Yerim doesn’t know where to look as the silence of the early morning air and awkward first meeting fills the room. She chances a glance at the girl whose name she doesn’t know.

“Is it alright for me to stay?” The girl turns to look out the windows that make up the length of the wall. “I like the view in this room. It’s… calming.”

Yerim follows her line of sight, light streaks of pink painting the sky. It’s been a long time since she’s seen a sunrise without feeling angry. She makes her way to the sofa, laying flat on her stomach, arms bent, hands resting under her chin, eyes glued to the sunrise.

“Yeah.” Her eyes suddenly feel heavy, “It is.”  
  


She realizes she hasn’t specifically answered the other girl’s question about staying only when she wakes up, still curled up on the sofa. She rubs her eyes with the back of her fingers, lifting her body up to look around. Sweater falling to the floor as she stretches her legs outwards. This wasn’t hers- Yerim freezes sweater in hand, noticing the girl from before dancing in front of the mirror in silence. Yerim retracts her arm like a robot, not wanting to disturb the girl from her practice. Should she say something? Should she pretend to go back to sleep? Yerim decides to get up and make her (conscious) presence known. The girl turns around, wide eyed as soon as Yerim gets close enough, rushing to take out her ear buds.

She bows. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstay.”

“No it’s okay, you didn’t bother me. That was the best sleep I’ve gotten in a long time.”

A bow. “My name’s Sooyoung. I’m sixteen, I just joined earlier this week.” Finally, a timid smile. “I came early to practice what Seulgi unnie had taught me.”

“I’m Kim Yerim, I’m thirteen. Seulgi unnie is a great teacher.” Yerim extends her hand towards Sooyoung. “Thank you for lending me your sweater, unnie.”

Sooyoung pockets her phone and takes back the sweater with a nod. “Yeah.”

“Sooyoung unnie.”

Sooyoung takes her eyes off the floor to look Yerim in the eyes.

Yerim smiles so bright her small dimple appears. “Let’s get along well!”

+

“Joohyun unnie!” Yerim feels Joohyun’s arm rest around her shoulders as soon as she’s close enough to touch. Seulgi choosing to pat her backside while Wendy cups her chin between her hands. Yerim likes being babied by them. “Where’s Sooyoung unnie?”

“She should be on her way from school by now.” Joohyun says, sweeping loose strands of hair behind Yerim’s ear.

Seulgi sinks down into the sofa before speaking, “We should wait until she gets here. Sooyoung really wanted me to teach her this one part in the dance.”

“Teach me too please. I need to pass the dance evaluation this time Seulgi. Pretty please? With cherries on top?”

Seulgi looks almost disgusted at Wendy, “Pretty please with cherries on top? I don’t even eat cherries!” She jokes.

“Pretty please with meat on top?” Wendy adjusts. “For your friend? Best friend?”

“Hmm. For my best friend, I guess I can teach her.”

Yerim breaks into laughter when Joohyun asks her what’s wrong with the two of them before Joohyun herself starts playing along, exclaiming that she must be taught too. The two of them pulling Seulgi by both arms in opposite directions. Yerim enjoys getting to spend more time with them outside of living together (Sooyoung too). She was worried when their supervisors first began scheduling her apart from Koeun and the girls but came to understand that things would change and she needed to embrace it. Everyone was experiencing schedule changes anyways. Their supervisors probably just wanted to see how they grow and improve within different teams, EXO still only a year old, no new groups to debut that soon she figures.

Still, Yerim can’t help but feel left out when her training regime eventually changes again, returning to holding the responsibility of the younger SM girls. She holds onto the fact that they won’t be separated forever as a reason not to be too hung up over it.

+

Yerim doesn’t feel like she should be resting, she should be dancing, singing, practicing with the others. She needs to be better. Was she not improving even with her three and a half years of training? Maybe she could have spent more nights, hours, minutes, seconds-

“Unnie!”

“Huh?”

“Did you not hear mom? You’ve been spacing out ever since you’ve been home. Are you okay?”

“What did mom say?”

“She asked what you wanted for dinner.” Yurim replies.

“Uhh… tell her anything is fine.”

Yerim doesn’t think she took the news of Joohyun, Seulgi, Wendy, and Sooyoung getting ready to debut _that_ badly.

Yerim doesn’t want to think about her future right now, or maybe ever.

+

“Yerim-ah! Are you crying? Why are you crying?!”

“Mission success!”

Yerim’s breathing hitches at Sooyoung’s comment. She sees Joohyun scold her with a slap on the arm, attention back onto her in a flash.

“This is your birthday party! Please don’t cry, Yerim-ah.”

There’s tissues being dabbed all over her face, people calling her name in a poor attempt to stop her from shedding anymore tears. She could faintly hear Sooyoung being told to lay off the teasing from Wendy which would have stopped the water works until she sees Koeun and the rest of the SM Rookie babies sobbing because she’s sobbing.

“Yerim-ah please stop crying.” Joohyun places a tissue in front of her nose, waiting for Yerim to react. “You’re going to regret it later.”

“I-I’m trying.” She blows her nose into the tissue in Joohyun’s hand. “I really am.”

“Good.” Joohyun manages to wipe a dab of frosting onto her cheek before she can do anything else. “Now have some cake.”

“Unnie!” Yerim whines, knowing she must have that mischievous look that Seulgi and Wendy are scared of, already running away.

She sparks chaos. Bodies running, screams, human shields, a birthday cake that has cheated death from the ground multiple times. At least she can share the blame with Joohyun.

“Sooyoung save me!”

“Seulgi unnie, sometimes sacrifices have to be made!” Sooyoung shouts, teaming up with Yerim, holding Seulgi prisoner with a back hug.

“Yerim! Think of the children!” Wendy interjects, looking on with pity at her best friend. “Think of poor Seulgi.”

Yerim and Joohyun can only cackle at the end of everything, letting all her worries disappear with each smudge of frosting painted on their faces. They were here with her now, they would still be her sisters even after debut. Things would get better for her.

+

Yerim instinctively lets out a, “What?” at the news.

“You will be joining Red Velvet as their fifth new member.”

“...What?”

“It’s already been approved and agreed upon by the directors and Lee Sooman himself.”

“I- me? Red Velvet? New member?”

“Yes Yerim. We’ve been over this already.” He sighs, hoping to not have to repeat it to her again. “You’ll be moving with them to their new dorm and officially starting practices on Monday.”

“I- we- what about the others? What about the other SM Rookie girls?” words spilling out with no filter, like she’s speaking her thoughts aloud. “What’s going to happen- Why? Why me?”

“Yerim.” He says sternly, “We think you have what it takes now. Believe in yourself and don’t push yourself too hard.” He rises from his seat, a proud hand placed on her shoulder, “And congratulations Yerim.”

He leaves, leaving her alone to settle into the chaotic whirlwind of a world of being an idol.

“Debut. I’m going to debut.”

They’re not unfamiliar words, they’re words she’s repeated to herself many times before, always with grit and concentrated emotion, but now feel airy light on her tongue- like a snowflake, smooth and soft to fall.

She only sends a word into the group chat before her phone is vibrating out of control as soon as she had hit send. She brings the phone to her ear.

“Unnie?”

“Yerim-ah!” Joohyun’s voice the clearest. “Where are you?” She hears distant voices shouting over each other.

“YERIM!”

_Sooyoung unnie._

“Yah! Park Sooyoung stop pushing!”

_Seulgi unnie._

“Yerim-ah have you eaten yet?!”

_Seungwan unnie._

Yerim exhales through her nose, laughing almost silently between each breath, hand covering her eyes in some sort of awe. Were they waiting for her to say something first? Did they just hear the news too?

“Unnie…” She pauses, shouts still pouring into her ear. “I love you.”

Yerim only giggles harder when Joohyun calls for everyone to be quiet in her satoori, unsure if the rest of them had heard her confession or not, content either way when she hears Joohyun shout that they’re so embarrassing before switching back to her Seoul accent, inviting her to celebrate with them.

“Yerim-ah we’re coming to you!”

Mouth opening to reply to Sooyoung before Seulgi beats her to it.

“We don’t even know where she is!”

Their conversation circles until Yerim finally just asks where they are to get there herself, voices still flowing out of her device as she navigates her way through the company building.

Yerim is trusting and old enough to not get lost, but still asks, “Do you guys know what you’re doing?”

She supposes their combustible reaction is a reasonable one.

+

A hand wraps around her pigtail, “Does my hair look okay?” Yerim asks no one in particular. “My scalp hurts.”

Sooyoung cackles, “I think you look cute.”

“I think I look weird.” Eyes still adjusting to the bronze blonde strands of hair.

“Me too.”

“You think I look weird?”

Seulgi scratches her own head, “No, I think I look weird. It’s so,” fingers run through the length of her hair. “Blonde.”

Their manager rushes in, “Girls, it’s your turn to film!” disappearing as fast as he came.

Yerim turns around for one last look at her reflection, running out onto set with eager and nervous steps. Cameras, lights, crew members. The strong desert breeze blinds her, hair flying across her face, struggling to stay put. There was no time to wait, a tight schedule to follow, outfit changes, individual cuts, group photos, extended night shots- another gust. A hand wraps around hers whole, leading her, playing with her, teaching her. She doesn’t mind working through the night like this.

“Whoa there!” Wendy stables her with a firm grasp.

“Thank you unnie.”

Curse heels.

“Do you need help?”

“Maybe, a little.” She laughs at herself.

“Here,” Wendy extends an arm again, “Take small steps, from heel to toe. Like this.” She demonstrates in the dimly lit set. “And-” arms reach towards her shoulders, “You have to stand up straight, silly!”

Yerim groans, “Yes, mom.”

Wendy punishes her with tickles.

Left arm cross, slide up, right arm down, shuffle forward, hips to the side, pose. Count- one and two and three, another pose. Yerim’s sure she doesn’t know the difference between left and right at this point. She’s out of breath, panting, singing live, dancing endlessly, no time to rest between verses with an energetic song like this. Dropping to her knees by the fourth time they’ve rehearsed the whole song on loop.

The girls settle down on the floor with her, music starting again from the beginning, _La la la la la- La la la la_ , with no movement made to pause the song between them, it continues on, uninterrupted, almost hypnotizing. The chill of the floor draws her overheating body to it, back against the ground, limbs stretched to their limits. With music blaring and eyes closed, she can’t be too sure who starts laughing out of the blue, but before she understands who and why, all she can hear is laughter and their bodies rolling over the floor.

She wonders if her debut stage will ever compare to this.

+

_Red Velvet are best as four._

_Like a package deal ㅋㅋㅋ_

_SM’s first fail group?_

_They all look the same. No individuality._

_It’s so obvious she got work done- how did she get into SM? What did she do for 5 years…_

Talentless, ugly, useless. It’s not as if she’s never thought those things about herself before, the system wears you down to points you’ve never known until you can rise up past it, she knows this. But the casualness of everything hits her like a truck. A _Failure. A waste of space and time. Unwanted._

Yerim knew this was a mistake.

_Red Velvet are best as four._

_True_ , she thinks to herself. All she did was send them straight down to her inexperienced level and dragged their names through the mud. She’s not cut for this- this, horrible environment of toxicity, belittling, and hate. She’s nameless, fresh meat for the whole world to pick on. She doesn’t belong here, doesn’t deserve any of it. No one likes her.

She powers off her tablet, tossing it aside, cringing in fear when it makes its way onto the floor with a heavy thud.

She hears Joohyun’s blankets rustle soon after. Yerim prays that Joohyun is still asleep. She doesn’t think she can spare the energy to be confronted right now- she needs to rest. She faces the wall. Turns to face the ceiling. Rotates again, and again.

Maybe sleep hates her too.

+

“I’m ironing Yeri’s school uniform right now.” Joohyun glances shyly towards Yerim before returning her attention back to the steam flowing onto the crumpled blouse.

Yerim giggles behind the camera, new stage name still foreign in her ears, awkward and quiet Joohyun also now a rare occurrence between the two.

“I’ll have to show off to my friends next time.” Yerim chimes.

Joohyun’s laugh bubbles over, “Look, it looks so nice now.”

“There’s still some wrinkles, here and here. And here!”

“No!” Joohyun retaliates, “It’s looking nice.” Movements quick to cover her tracks.

Yerim turns, appearing in frame, “Thank you unnie, I’ll wear it well.” A kiss to the camera, red light blinking to a stop.

“Thank you unnie…” She repeats, quieter, for real this time, off-screen from the cameras. Arms lowered to her lap, mirroring Joohyun’s position on the ground, “Really.”

Joohyun hums in response, laundry strewn around seemingly taking precedence, folded with delicate even motions.

Joohyun soon speaks at a volume only for the two of them to hear, eyes focused on the sweater in her hands. “Yerim-ah,” words hitting the air in time with Joohyun adding another piece to the top of the short pile, making eye contact at her last word. “Are you okay?”

Her instinct is to crack a joke, play around, to push and pull until things end brighter than they had begun, but she knows the look on Joohyun’s face says, _this is not the time_. Concern easily traced back to her doe eyes.

She knows all this and still reaches for the safe answer. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be unnie?”

“Yerim. Don’t lie to me.” 

She stiffens, like a child caught elbow deep in the cookie jar, stomach clenched in fear, silence clinging to her with an iron fist. Joohyun still processing her reaction, or lack thereof, eyes analyzing how tense her body is, blank mask crumbling, held together by the smallest amount of hope she has left.

“I saw your tablet.”

She breaks.

“I- I’m worthless. They hate me,” Words spill, malice and venom aimed towards herself only growing in strength. “I’m ugly, nameless. I’ve trained so hard and it’s not enough- it’ll never be enough. I don’t belong here with the rest of you. If this is the beginning I don’t want it to continue. I ruined all the effort you guys gave, the fans you had established, your reputation, every step forward- it’s like,” Yerim struggles to admit to herself, “Like I’m a mistake.”

She doesn’t realize she had started crying until she feels Joohyun wipe the tears from her flushed cheeks, hand lingering along the side of her face, eerily cold enough to bring her back to reality. “Listen to me,” She starts, “You are _not_ a mistake.” Thumb rubbing across her cheek again, moving to lift Yerim’s chin, reestablishing eye contact that Yerim still isn’t able to quite keep, and repeats, “You are not a mistake. You are not a burden.” The energy in Joohyun’s voice fearless, unapologetic to those against her, filled with enough willpower to speak anything she wished into existence. She stares, desperately searching for any evidence that she’s been heard. Yerim gives no cue.

So Joohyun waits. Watches. Listens.

“I don’t bring anything to the group.” is all that echoes through the dim doorway.

The words settle to ground, Joohyun never breaking physical contact as she begins to recall, speech now soft and encouraging, “Did any of the others tell you what it was like when we first debuted as four?” She doesn’t expect an answer but pauses anyways. “It was busy, stressful. It was difficult, on such a different and yet similar level to being just a trainee. The expectations, the timing, not to mention Seungwan’s vocal condition...” She trails. “Even through all of that, there’s something I’m sure the others and I can agree on.”

Yerim innocently dares to ask, “Agree on what?” like a child who still believes in the wonder and magic of fairy tales.

Joohyun speaks like it’s the most obvious answer in the world.

“That we missed you.”

Joohyun doesn’t miss the look on Yerim’s face, concentrating, still confused at how her answer makes any sense and how it relates to her and how she is feeling, or supposed to feel.

“During those sleep deprived nights practicing, traveling from and to the dorm we would have talks, about our worries, concerns, foods we wanted to eat, how we could connect to the fans. Before we knew it, we always ended our talks with you.” Yerim senses the vibration in Joohyun’s voice change, sees her eyes fill with tears, looking upward to prevent them from falling, from showing weakness Yerim thinks. Joohyun gathers herself to the best of her abilities. “We missed you, talked about you, thought about you every day- ‘what is Yerim doing right now?’, ‘is she eating and sleeping well?’, ‘remember when Yerim did this?’” Joohyun doesn’t let her tears show, choosing to instead bring Yerim into her arms.

“You are bright, smart, and everything those people writing about you aren’t.” Voice wavering less over time, she strokes Yerim’s hair, slow and steady, head resting against hers. “You are good.”

+

Yerim is surprised to see how well her body is handling their hectic schedule, rigorous practices, and early recordings compared to the rest with two comebacks worth of experience. Music shows the most tiring out of everything, hours upon hours of waiting, days stolen out from under them.

She fiddles with her mic, tape feeling weak against her cheek, hand automatically reaching for the receiver concealed in her back pocket while the other adjusts her in-ear one last time. Vocal exercises and fidgeting bodies come together minutes before they are set to go on stage.

“Let’s do our best today.” Joohyun’s hand extends out towards the center of their five member circle. The rest follow in succession, some hands harder to be seen than others, hidden inside purposefully baggy sleeves. The five of them stay like that for what feels to be forever.

Yeri takes the opportunity to take lead, raising her voice far past than what was expected in the moment.

“ONE. TWO. THREE-” The others are startled, soon understanding the situation joining before it’s too late, voices in unison, hands moving in sync.

“RED! VELVET! LET’S HAVE FUN!”

Nobody is without a smile before they’re signaled to run on stage, trained composed looks for the live cameras flipped on, music cued.

They had talked about winning a music show before, always as a comment taken seriously to the heart but brushed off as something unattainable for now, they would have to work harder, improve, it would take time. So when they find out they are nominated for tonight's show through the mini television in their waiting room encouraging fans to vote, they are hesitant to speak of it, not wanting to jinx themselves, get their hopes too high.

Still, when an unprompted, “I’m grateful.” slips past Sooyoung’s lips, they know exactly what she means.

The five stand together in front, shoulder to shoulder, not wanting to admit the amount of adrenaline pumping through their veins was scarily abnormal. They switch between watching the emcees say their rehearsed lines and the monitor located in the distance. Scores being flashed on screen, numbers flipping to a stop, totals added.

Their bodies are on autopilot, applauding before they hear the emcees yelling their group’s name, confetti cannons shooting them back into reality. Bouquets handed to them, trophy securely wrapped in Yerim’s arms, cheers from all around clouding their thoughts.

Of course it’s Joohyun who takes the responsibility of making their speech, she lets out a small laugh, flabbergasted at the results, raising the microphone up to her lips, staring solely at the section of fans who came to support them, making no effort to find the right camera angle for TV.

She leaves enough time for another member to speak their mind, still unconvinced of the actuality of the scene unfolding in front of her.

Yerim has nothing to say, knowing the others share the same sentiment, taking her time instead to smile, lips curved high, teeth exposed. Her surroundings busy, seniors congratulating them, Sooyoung’s rapant water works, Wendy wide eyed in disbelief, Joohyun being a kid picked on by Amber, Seulgi’s sudden transition from professional to 14 year old girl whose dream had come true.

Yerim jumps, prances across the stage, smiling and singing with confidence she had once thought she had lost. Knowing in her heart and mind one thing that would always be true.

_We’ll be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> Yes the last line is supposed to be a reference to Psycho’s hey now we’ll be okay line
> 
> No, Seulgi does not actually hate cherries she said so in a vlive once but wouldn’t that have been funny if she actually did?
> 
> Yes, i love red velvet, they are ot5 and if you disagree you need to re-evaluate your life.
> 
> Just had a feeling in wanting to write something yeri-centric with ot5 themes. I know this could have been better in almost every way, but I am an amateur writer. I also feel like this may have been done before? I do not know. Any similarities are coincidental if so. Again, not everything is true but there are a lot(?) of real facts/events mixed in with fiction. Hope you have fun spotting them and enjoyed the story. Leave a comment or kudos or don't, just hope you enjoyed something about it. Take care of yourselves loves.


End file.
